Tikkity Techno to the Bone!!!
I don't know much about the Dutch. I think it has something to do with Holland, and I don't really know where that is. All I know is the two most awesome people of color ever come straight outta the place where Dutch people grow. Isn't God a comedienne?! I'm talking, of course, about Ray & Anita. Also known as 2UNLIMITED. Also known as "FUCKING YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"

If you don't know who 2Unlimited is, you've probably been wasting your time listening to Polka standards and drinking toilet water...and also, I hate you. Those of us with snuggly connected brain stems know Ray & Anita are the tenderonies of 90's techno music.

I'll never forget the first day I heard that sound. I was watching a commercial for one of those recycled dance compilations, like "Ultra Mega Sweat Machine Groove Rocket 1995!!!!" or something, and it was playing short clips of popular tunes of the time from artists, such as LaBouche, Da Hool, Rednex, and 20 Fingers, makers of the hit "Short Dick Man". And then, like a savage deflowering by the archangel of audio, I heard 5 seconds of "Real Things." I was mesmerized.


He's dual-wielding Power Gloves! YES!!!
I actually recorded that commercial to VHS and replayed the song clip over and over again - rewinding, pressing play, and frantically jumping onto my mom's bed barely in time to dance for 3 of those precious 5 seconds. I lived on that video for months, as I was too young to phone 900 numbers and too without income to pay for the disc and shipping anyway.
Nonetheless, if only for seconds, I lost my senses in the flurry of lights, dancers on rollerskates wearing silver catsuits under spiked leather thongs and gasmasks, Anita singing from a barber chair surrounded by christmas lights wearing a raincoat over a bathing suit, and Ray rapping in a vest with no shirt and shadowboxing to the beat. Delicious.

Nice gold ladies watch, Ray! Hope you're enjoying that bottle of Faygo with your .004% cut of album sales!
Back in the days before internet, purchasing a techno record was risky business. There were no audio clips to test or user ratings to check - It was just you and your precious allowance, standing in the dark back corner of Sam Goody, staring at a sea of the most insane, mostly foreign CD covers. You could only grab one and hope it was actually good dance music and not some sissy ambient hour-long epic of gurgles and bleeps (damn you, Future Sound of London!). Fortunately, 2Unlimited was always a sure shot. Ray never failed to spit the illest rhymes and not rhymes. Where do you think the term "intelligent rap" came from? 2Unlimited certainly had something to do with it - I mean, when it comes to cryptic wordplay of the insane, no one could madlib like Ray. I still can't wrap my head around most of what dude is saying.

Don't pop a blood vessel, man. Keep it simple.


Here are some highlights: (please note - the following transcripts are a collaboration between random web pages furnished by people whose intelligence cannot be trusted and my own ability to decipher Ray's accent-laden gibberish)


From Face to Face - "You're on a mission, no time for wishing / It can be magic, like a magician..."

I bet he burned the midnight oil making that connection! Magic & magician... I get it - kinda like 'tard & retarded!

From Maximum Overdrive - "The maximum overload king of the road / Feel the tension high up in your throat /.../ Put some pressure upon the gas / I don't know how long I'm gonna last / Feel the force of the main source / The power is strong with the strength of a horse /.../ Bum stikkie di bum stikkie di bum stikkie di bum / Take you down to the maximum!"

I could be way off, but I'm pretty sure this song is about vehicular face rape.


Spreading the message of Faces everywhere. Enjoy your pain.

From R.U.O.K. - "So I'll help you out through thick and thin / Like the dog in the story called 'Rin Tin Tin' /.../ Open your dreams hey, what more can I say? / Yippee yah, yippee yay, hey girl R.U.O.K.?!"

How nice of him to give Rin Tin Tin a shoutout. I'm so sick of hearing rappers yell their own names and talk about how good it feels to pee. More rap artists should pay respects where its deserved - to dog movie stars. And next time you run out of things to say Ray, you may consider just shutting up, lest crap like "yippee yah yippe yay" starts spilling out of your dickhole.

From Throw Down the Groove - "You know that the best things in life are free / But if you don't, make sure that you get a receipt / Like my man Bob Marley said 'Stand Up For Right' / Don't give the fight if you help me almight / I think there's no time for no child's play / In the playground or perhaps another day / 'Cause I in effect 'cause I coming in smooth / In other words throw down the groove"

In more other words, if you take your dong out for little boys under the monkey bars without proof of purchase, Bob Marley won't help you fight for a smooth coming.


That's a good idea. If you're gonna rap the way you do, you better stay cut up, homie!

From The Magic Friend - "Yo yo yo yo taste that music / Real loose, you've got to use it / Don't be afraid for magic friends / 'Cause that magic friend is what I am!"

Here, Ray boldly adds a dash of urban nigga authenticity by saying "yo" four times in a row. Normally, only a true Black can get away with that kinda shit... well played, Dutchman!

From Twilight Zone - "Hang with another first of the chapter / Straight to the heavyweight, for worst or better / Fishes in the way, found in the vicinity / Slaming DJ's with the rhyme capability / Listen to the jam as we go wild / Check your MC's versatile / Me and the lady howl megatone / Fuck you up in the "Twilight Zone"

I don't have a clue, but frankly, I don't think I wanna visit the Twilight Zone anymore.


Bass in your face! Bass in your face!

From Kiss Me Bliss Me - "Maybe, maybe sometime baby / Sometime soon you'll be my baby / Can't hang around, got dreams to dream / So beam me up to the starship *scream* /.../ Sweetheart you have a heart of ice / It might be cold but I can see you're nice / Hardly baby, have I got a chance / Be my baby I'm asking you to trance"

Here's what I can't resolve in my heart - In the very first line, he's already discovered 2 words that rhyme, and yet...in the second line, he rhymes "baby" with "baby". AND he says "sometime" again after saying it just one word prior! You're off to a shit start, pal. Methinks your "hip-hop" file got switched with your "patty-cake" file.

From Info Superhighway - "Technicians, technique, technology / It's the most important thing in the industry"

Here are some other words with 'tech' in them - Tech & Technically Homosexual. That's all I can think of. See, I could never do what he does!


He sucked a lot of bees to get his lips like that.

But Ray's a complex and multifacted artist - lyrically, he can be subtle. Take, for example, the verse from the song Contrast - "Contrast / Contrast / Contrast / Contrast"

That's great, dude. I wonder if he wrote this on a napkin in some trendy European coffeeshop over a luxurious espresso con panna and said "Yes! I've done it again! Humphrey, book the studio straightaway! Prepare the bitches and bubbly!".... I like to think he did.


Even on her day off, Anita hooks you up into the Tribal Dance!



I'd hit it.
As for Anita, I think she's fantastic and super cute AND the girl can belt!
She also has one glowing edge over any other singer out there - The ability to sing totally off-key and it be acceptable. Perhaps it's the boldness with which she disregards the proper key signature...not just a note off, but in a completely different musical hemisphere. Her adlibs come from outerspace all kinds of wrong...notes I didn't even think the brain would allow the mouth to produce in such situations. Anita would sing it proud and loud. I love her for that.


Burning Like Fire!
Also, her cleavage is the bonkers. (See below, left...if you're having trouble locating the massive breasts in question)
Cyborg Lizard-skin Anita!
Old Skool "Twilight Zone" flavored Anita!
Anita in outer space!
Rubbing phase downgraded from genitals to noses. Self-destruction sequence initiated.
The mask absorbs my tears.
Everything went downhill once Ray and Anita aspired to be taken more seriously as artists...and this just is a hunch, but I bet they stopped boning too. You really need the foggy loss of judgement sex provides to perform such generic music with someone. I'll wager every night on stage felt a lot like the nude humiliations I experience each time Sean removes my soiled bunny suit.
Sadly, Anita & Ray went their separate ways in 1996, which cut short my dream of appearing on MTV's "Sweet 16" and having Daddy pay for them to perform at our local YMCA while I traipsed around in a tiara like an idiotic, silver-spoon sucking cunt. Oh well.
Reveal your true forms, vessels!

"JOIN US, HUMANKINDS OF EARTH LAND!"
See? Her friend is pointing straight to where dongs attach... but it's still not enough.
Then, in 1998, the producers behind (and owners of the name) "2Unlimited" did the unforgivable. He found two of the most homely Dutch chicks, paid for their hunchback removal surgeries, called them "2Unlimited" and released another album! Argh! What vile injustice, you monsters! Just 'cuz I sincerely love 2Unlimited's music doesn't mean I had a brain lobotomy. I can still recognize bamboozlement - sure, the blonde one probably has a man dong, but I know it's not a Ray! You blew it. Like I wouldn't notice the music had gone from 'loveable suck' to 'my ears are bleeding suck.' The soul was gone and anyone could hear that. I've never wanted to not dance so hard in my life. I'd rather get jiggy to the sound of rape whistles. Blech. Screw you guys... (brunette has a good voice, though)

A Ray & Anita reunion will never happen, and I've finally accepted this...just this second. It's been a difficult ribbon of hope to release into the savage winds of destiny. I must discover other things worth living for... *sigh*

And let's be serious - we live in a world of iPhones, Roombas, and David Liebe Hart... adding a 2Unlimited reunion would probably be too much awesome. The ecosystem couldn't handle the stress. The Amazon would melt under the Rad overload. And as much as I love Ray and Anita, I don't wanna make the world's Kakapos homeless over it! So I'll settle for this New Kids on the Block reunion...it's the GREEN way to go.
I didn't expect this from you, Donnie. I really didn't...


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