We LOVE hair pieces and tiny purses. Diddy say we pretty. Can you hear that burning? Where am I? Cookie is our favorite. I can't feel my eyes.
I like Danity Kane. *whew* There, I said it. Sometimes, I even watch that atrocious MTV reality show about them and those black dudes and that white dude. And I still like them. They're cute gals. And their debut album Danity Kane has some catchy tunes on it. Gotta give it up, right? So, yeah, I'd been marginally looking forward to their follow-up album Welcome to the Dollhouse (that's darling).
Sorry dude, my panties are yawning...
First off, it's a great sophmore effort, all things considered. Brain-numbing club bangers, crying over lost loves, exploring your inner stripper, fragile female empowerment anthems -- it's all covered. Thank you, kindly. But there is one thing that keeps it from being maybe close to awesome for me. Hmmm, how should I explain this??? Okay - We all know this is Bad Boy's brainchild (or human sacrifice, whatever you wanna call it), so we're dealing with the best of the best in the industry. I would give all the ash off my elbows and knees to observe these studio cats in action and take notes. BUT, no matter how incredible you are, there's always the risk of going overboard, and Welcome to the Dollhouse sounds a smidgen...overproduced. Seriously, I have to listen to it in sections, cuz it makes me seasick. It's too damn busy for the ears to digest, like the producers smashed every idea they've ever had into its 16 tracks for the hell of it. Don't get me wrong, I love when a song gets me hyped up, but I don't need a brain aneurysm every 3.5 minutes. Anyway, I wanted to review the album, but I won't make any promises. I'll get through as many songs as I can before I start foaming at the mouth:

Aubrey wants to be respected for her voice, not just her pretty face!
"Key to your Heart" - Let's start with the best. This is my favorite song by a mile. The melody is sweet, the lyrics are clever, the hook is catchy, but the music is what puts this one over the top. It's perfectly balanced - the beat is interesting, complex but not complicated. Just right. PS - Good call getting Aubrey's part out of the way first.

"Damaged" - The 1st single. I love this song...a little against my will, too. I hear it so damn much that I got all sucked in and brainwashed into loving it. It's all very sci fi. Let Seanbaby tell you how many times I've asked if he has a first aid kit handy. Sometimes, I don't even sing it; I just say the words "first aid kit" like a Tourette's tic. Unfortunately, the song gets ruined with Diddy's lame proverbs on heartbreak. "Sometimes, you gotta feel the pain to experience the joy." How meta of you, dude.

"Strip Tease" - Is there some sort of quota for female pop groups to sing about stripping? If they don't fulfill it, do they get their "Crusaders for Daddy's Neglect" membership revoked? Anyway, this is my favorite song to dance to...it gets a little strippery. Whatever.

My head is starting to hurt a bit... but let's keep going.

"Pretty Boy" - This song is insane. Of course, I'd groove to the whole thing in a club gladly. Everything sounds better when it's being blared at you from all angles and you have a cocktail in hand. So this is strictly from a personal, iPod listening experience. But I digress... Pops, blips, phasers, twangs...by the time you get to the vocals, it all seems kinda useless. It's like the producers forgot they had to squeeze 5 female voices in there somewhere. And the fact that they sound like they're singing 2 different songs doesn't help. It's all over the grid. What the hell are they even talking about? Wait - can you turn down that parrot squawk sound? Cheerleading squads couldn't make this spazzy bleepfest make sense. Note: The chorus kinda sounds like that song "Skinhead Boy" from my favorite Aryan poptweens, Prussian Blue.

Give them a break - It must be difficult to perform this non-naked.
"Picture This" - Spoken word? Really, Danity Kane? Can you remember the last time THAT was cool? You think just because you use scratchy speaking voices and whimper in the background over flutes and pianos I won't notice how corny your 'poem' is? BUSTED, hos.

Now I can't feel my teeth, you guys... time to wrap this up...

"Lights Out" - Right when the fluid in my brain threatens to crack my skull, this song offers some relief. Its cool R&B swing is really fresh, and the track is so smooth, I wouldn't mind just having the instrumental. That's not to say the girls don't sound good. Their harmonies are quite buttery here - it may be my favorite vocal performance of the record.

I think I should stop, to preserve the motor skills required to finishg tihs blogk. NO! Must...presss...on!!!!!!1!!!
Congrats guys, your name reeks of Diddy's apathy.
Considering the insanity jam packed into the record, it's too bad the whole thing just sputters to a bland death with the last song, a lackluster duet with Danity Kane's whiny male counterpart and Bad Boy's butt dingos, Day 26. I bet they just threw on this Making the Band 4 theme song as a cross-promotional afterthought. What a mockery of my pain & suffering. Thanks to Day 26 for spewing yeast infection into my already bleeding ears.

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